AOL- the suits sue [a lampoon]

23-January-2002

AOL sues Microsoft.

AOL Time Warner sued Microsoft in federal court (today) seeking damages for harm done to AOL's Netscape Internet browser, which had ruled computer desktops until Microsoft began giving its competing browser away. A source close to the case commented (on condition we don't use his name) that this will help Netscape immensely since it's been having such a difficult time giving its browser away.

chill before reading further

In order to fully comprehend the irony in this, you really need to be neutral on the subject of Microsoft vs. Netscape... otherwise you may get perturbed.

if looks could kill...

The AOL team: Out with the old, in with the new. Bill Gates gets better looking every day.

Pictured below: Former AOL CEO, Jerry Levin (L) visits with his replacement Richard Parsons.

the details...

AOL executive John Buckley (no photo available) said, "This action is an attempt to get justice in this matter." Buckley is reported to have written this himself and management was so impressed that Buckley is expected to be transferred to CNN as Paula Zahn's new publicist.

Jim Desler, a Microsoft spokesman, said the company had no immediate comment. Bill Gates was reported wandering the halls at Microsoft muttering "I'm not so funny looking after all".

AOL filed the lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia. Under federal law (subchapter 3, Loophole 6.21), AOL would be entitled to triple any actual damages found by the court. We understand (from a very reliable source) that the court has significant damages to its roof and several toilets in the judge's private lavatory are soiled beyond repair.

The company also asked for an immediate injunction against "ongoing and further damage'' involving the Netscape Navigator browser, Buckley said. Sadly, Buckley began coughing uncontrollably and could not finish the statement. As reporters were leaving the room, a witness is alleged to have heard him whisper: "And we promise that if we win the suit, we'll stop making such damaging browsers".

One possible option, if a judge ruled in favor of AOL, would be to force Microsoft to sell a stripped-down version of its Windows operating system so computer manufacturers could choose which Internet browser to offer. That has also been requested by nine state attorneys general suing Microsoft in federal court. Another possible action is that Gateway's Chairman, Ted Waitt, will hire his talking cow commercial costar as Chief Financial Officer. As actions go, this whole thing could be a real gas.

Tune in to Graffiti next month... as the saga continues.

and so it goes...